quiet diet

i havent thrown up today! for me, that's doing pretty good. too bad i probably will before the day is done. i really want to tell someone about my problem but i just can't. sometimes i get so close to telling someone, but then i just stop.

if i told my mom, she would freak out and make a big deal out of it. she would take the blame for it and she would think it was her fault that i am the way i am. and she already gets suspicious when i "forget my lunch" or when i skip meals. i just couldn't do that to her- i mean, she's already been through it with one kid. she would be too sad.

if i told my dad he might get mad for lying to him about the time he found my vomit in the sink (i know it's disgusting and i really hate myself for doing this). i made up a story and he's never asked about it since. i wouldn't want him to lose his faith in me.

if i told my brother he would be really great about it, but because he's such a good person, he might tell mom and dad, and i can't have that happening.

my sisters live up north, because that's where their college is.
if i told my oldest sister she would also be really great about it, but i don't want her to think i'm just some shallow teenager who wants to lose weight or something. i really wouldn't be able to take that.

my other sister already knows a bit. i told her that i had a food issue, and she was very understanding. you see, she was anorexic when she was nine so she's already been where i am, even though my problem is slightly different. but i don't want to freak her out. she has enough stuff to deal with.

i just don't want anyone to worry about me. but i feel so selfish because i want people to help me and feel sorry for me! how stupid is that? it's my own fault that i have an eating disorder.
oh gross. the words "eating disorder" make me feel sick. do i really have one? i'm just a girl who throws up alot after meals. does that really qualify? it's only been going on for about five months. no, it started before that.
oh, but now my stomach hurts so bad because i haven't thrown up! how did i let myself get to this point? but i can stop. i know i can. somedays are just harder than others.
i just wish my mind could go back to how it was before i was bulimic. i never remember caring about stuff like this back then! and i was so free. now i feel trapped like i'm chained to this horrible monster trying to devour me. haha, my analogies are pretty great. well, i'm kind of rambling but i need to get this out.

I HATE BULIMIA. why am i adding to this hateful world by choosing to vomit up all my food?
but how can i stop...?

if my friends at school knew about this they would probably disown me. because "christians" don't have eating disorders and "christians" are never depressed and if i was only the "christian" i should be, i wouldn't have this problem!
i cringe just thinking at their reactions. but who knows? they might be sympathetic. but they'd treat me like i was some poor lost soul who just hasn't "seen the light of Jesus "yet. whatever. oh, why am i saying that about my friends? they're all great people and i love them.

i really need to talk to someone about this. i wish i could just leave the world for awhile. i'm not talking about suicide. i just want to leave the world for like, say, a few hours.
i need help. i really do.